You often hear how we are more connected globally, as the digital generation, yet people are left feeling personally disconnected. In hindsight, it strikes me we should be very grateful for the digital connection we had during the lockdown, regardless of the pitfalls. I suppose it’s how you use it during less ko intense times. As much as being online rescued us for an extended period, there can be no denying the importance of physical contact and proximity. Geographically and physically speaking, to just gather and see differences, encounter variety, and some social opportunities.

I recently met someone struggling back to their car, wielding crutches and carrying their purchases. Giving out distress signals. When I asked if they needed help, they did, but it was the contact they needed; we spoke for at least a quarter of an hour during which they apologised for ‘taking up my time’ and ‘boring me.’ They did neither of course, but it reminded me how it could be slightly easier to accept some physical help but emotional is another ballgame.

I was reminded of occasions when I found myself alone, free of company or family, spending the day alone. At first, it’s great, you watch what you want, eat whatever you like, and keep to your timings. After a while though, I may feel I’m done with the thrill and the freedom and wish everything back the way it was. ‘Come back everyone, I’ve had my fun!’ Some people, certainly the person I met, experience separation from human contact every day. It is one thing to have some time alone when you know it is finite and there is an end in sight. Imagine what it is like to never know when that loneliness may end.

Loneliness is a slow, silent assassin. Mind.org describe loneliness as not having ‘rewarding social contact and relationships,’ however, the difficulty of experiencing lonely feelings when accompanied can be just as painful - we need to feel that we are seen, to be understood and heard through the feedback of another. I wonder who am I without feedback. So many versions of us exist out there, we are probably different things to different people but we hope that their experience of us is pretty consistent. When I meet many people I want to be the same, but we’re tapestries.

Some find it difficult to even contemplate speaking to different people and finding out, making that move towards regular social feedback. Berne (1974) describes the problem of what we say ‘after we say hello’ - for some it can be far more complicated than it appears on the surface! We have adapted to doing this social thing; sometimes, what we picked up is maladaptive.

It causes me to reflect on those truly comfortable relationships and friendships where the conversations may or may not need to even happen. On other occasions, even with great enthusiasm or willingness to connect, some people find it difficult. It’s like you are stuck on a script - if you’re lucky the script works for you. I wonder what your script is when you find yourself out there being social?

We can talk to catch up, talk about shared interests or simply discuss whatever is important at that moment. The power of what happens beyond Berne’s hello is that the script, just like the brain, can change, it can be adjusted. Hopefully, people will then identify with you and surpass those traditionally safe subjects like the weather! They begin to share vulnerabilities and give a little of themselves, perhaps we reciprocate our vulnerabilities and a silent trade begins to connect us further. It starts by giving out, and we can hope to receive. What if you are unable to take that risk, for whatever reason?

Carin Taylor discusses how 5 tenets must exist to acquire a feeling of belonging, to connect with one another: belonging is a two-way street, and we must participate. Here is a summary of what she noticed:

Psychological safety - that must exist so that I can be who I want to be, and share whatever I experience with people who welcome that.

Empathy - compassion for others and for ourselves! To hear that coaching compassionate voice for ourselves at a time when a critical, negative voice becomes overbearing or intrusive. And extend that to others.

Acceptance - for our authentic self. and that person is accepted. Hopefully, that person is the same person within reason - we keep parts of ourselves separate at work!

Connection - feeling wanted, people wanting you in the room regardless of how you are feeling that day.

Embraced - to feel valued, respected and appreciated.

One of my heroes, a person I was grateful to meet, summed up connection best. It didn’t start that way for him. At the time I met him he spoke no words to me, but he shook my hand. It was enough. No hello was needed, he just resonated a connection in his eyes. The poem he wrote was short and to the point:

Me, we.

Muhammad Ali

Berne, E. (2018) What do you say after you say hello? : The psychology of human destiny. London: Corgi. Books.